The Year I Stitch Myself Back Together Again

I love this beautiful image from artist Ana Teresa Barboza because it is precisely how I feel these days as I work on healing myself from a series of unexpected near disasters. Three years ago, I discovered my cholesterol was somewhere in the stratosphere, an inheritance from my father, who died of arterial sclerosis. I believed I could manage it myself; diet and exercise would bring it down to a normal range. The cardiologist I saw warned me that it was impossible without statins and other drugs. A few weeks later, I wound up in the hospital, unable to breathe, with my chest and arm on fire. Hours later, I woke with a triple bypass and a world of pain as I struggled to heal over the next year. 

But the pain, which should have subsided over that year, seemed to hang on. Every move, whether bending or reaching or sitting too long, seemed to produce nothing but more pain. Also, all along my chest were hard bumps created by heavy gauge wires that were meant to tie my sternum together and hopefully fuse it again into a whole. 

As it turned out, the surgeon who closed my sternum did a poor job of it. A thin membrane on both sides of the sternum will fuse when both sides are lined up precisely so that the sides fully touch.  But the surgeon failed to align the edges along the membrane correctly, and the bones were unable to touch, making it impossible for the sternum to heal. It hurt constantly, and I wondered if it would ever feel normal again. 

This year, I went to see a thoracic surgeon to ask about getting at least the wires removed. I asked if that would stop the constant pain in my chest. He told me the only way to stop the pain was to open my chest again and reposition the two sides of the sternum so that they fit perfectly along the membrane. I said let's do it. 

I returned to the hospital, and the surgeon completely repositioned and then re-wired my sternum with a fine gauge of wire I could not feel. Everyone, especially my husband, who helped me through the first days, was terrific, and I was allowed to go  home early. I have a thin, narrow scar forming from my collarbone to my navel. It itches like crazy, but I also know that means it is healing, and I don't mind. 

So, here I am now, stitching myself back together in more ways than one. Cardiac surgery scrambles one's brain for a while. I have had to relearn how to do simple things on the computer, remember names, and cook recipes that were once familiar. It all comes back slowly, and I am grateful for every re-discovery I make.

I look forward to the new year that will find me writing, swimming, and hiking in the Colorado flat irons again. I will spend more time writing books, visiting family in different states, and enjoying being in the world. 

My best to all family and friends this Thanksgiving Day. I love you all and can't wait to tuck into my daughter's excellent pies!